Perplexed: a monologue
That was rough.
I don’t know what to think about all that Jesus said to me.
Here’s the thing:
· I have certainly never killed someone.
· I have been true to the love of my life.
· I’ve never taken something I didn’t earn by hard work.
· I have never spoken a lie.
· I am quite sure that I have never misrepresented the facts.
· I visit my mom. I know that she has what she needs. I call every week.
For so long, I thought I understood the math – that somehow, if I checked all of the boxes, if I did all of the right things, if I kept those commandments, there would a reward…a reward beyond this life of work and politics and aches and pains in this body, not to mention the grind of having enough money to pay all of the bills.
But Jesus…when I asked for his affirmation, that is definitely NOT what I got.
And I’m pretty used to getting it right.
It still stings a little when I think about it.
The way that he looked at me – with soft eyes that just seemed to take all of me in, with a reassurance and a level of “seeing me,” the way I don’t feel seen by the folks I work with, I live with.
But even as he looked at me that way – with love, I guess - Jesus asked me for more.
Not just more. A lot more. He asked me to give up all of the things that I have earned.
I’ve earned what I have. Through education and practice and hard work and rule following…there are rules to this work we do. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Do the work required – keep costs low and make it fast.
Oh….and I pay my taxes and contribute to the greater good. I have the most amazing accountant making sure I don’t pay too much though. So that I can keep more of what I have earned. Nothing quite like a good, legal tax shelter to protect what I have earned.
But he looked at me that way…
And he told me I would have to let go of my things.
You know…the things that bring me joy. The things that matter.
I mean…have you seen these shoes? I have them in nearly every color of the rainbow.
And these clothes? Just for the record, I found every item you see at the thrift store. Can you believe it? Folks around here get rid of some amazing things.
There is the thrill of the hunt for a good bargain, no?
And this iPad is a lifesaver. I am so much more productive…ready access to the news, to my email, to the latest cat video, to Amazon.
Then there is my beautiful house with the garden I love, those tomatoes I water at night. I can’t wait for fresh tomatoes sliced on a BLT.
My shiny black Beetle…I love it when it’s clean and sparkling. That new carwash down the street is excellent. And she (her name is Pearl) gets great gas mileage – 30 – 35 miles to the gallon in town!
I spent so much time in school to get where I am. So much time reading scripture and writing papers, sitting through interviews where I had to be sure my answers were just right.
I practiced and prepared questions like:
· What is the kingdom of God?
· What does it mean that Jesus is Lord?
· Do you tithe?
· Describe a time you had to use ethics in decision making?
We’re talking about hours of preparation.
Check all the boxes. Get all of the answers right. Hit all the right notes.
Yes, his words still sting.
But I haven’t left the crowd that follows him. After he told me I’d have to give it all away, I started to hang back a little further.
But I can’t walk away from what I am watching unfold – he seems to have time for the hardest conversations. When folks misunderstand, he tries again with a different kind of teaching. And so often, there is that look of in his eyes. That look of love.
That guy that’s with him, Peter? The number of times I see them off to the side…with Jesus patiently unpacking something…I can see Peter’s struggle. Lately, he’s spent a lot of time looking bewildered, befuddled, perplexed…
And I get it, because when Jesus talks to the crowd, it is always challenging. It is good to see that I am not the only person who is perplexed by his difficult words. Others are scratching their heads.
That bit about the different kinds of soil… The soil matters. But also, he went on to say that somehow, even if the farmer pays no attention, the plants still grow. I mean, which is it? Good soil or just the amazing power of the plant to thrive in sun and rain? Or is it something else completely?
And there was that day when we were all crowded around him– everyone wanted something. It was a huge crowd. People were yelling and pushing and shoving.
All of a sudden, it felt like everything stopped – the movement, the noise. The air felt charged.
Into the charged air, Jesus asked who had just touched him.
Are you kidding me? You should have seen the crowd. Literally everyone was touching him or trying to touch him. But the woman who came forward was weeping with a kind of relief. I could see and feel it. And there he was with that loving look again as he spoke to her in the middle of all of us pressing in.
Today, on the edges of the crowd, I met a woman with two kids. They all looked a little hungry. She looked exhausted. She seemed lonely and eager to connect. I
I guess I was feeling a little lonely too.
I suggested that she sit and rest while I played with her kids for a bit… There is always plenty of food in my bag, so we shared a meal and talked about how it feels to follow Jesus and listen to all he says.
For someone who had so little, she certainly had a lot of joy when she talked about her experience with Jesus. Her eyes glowed and the exhaustion and loneliness seemed to melt away. She seemed alive.
It’s kind of upside down – she has so little. She told me about her husband dying recently. She told me about her son’s never ending ear infections and how it has affected his hearing and his speech.
But she almost seemed to glow – like I said, she seemed alive, encouraged by what she sees Jesus doing and hears Jesus saying. Like she gets it in a different way.
I want to feel alive like that.
I guess it is what I have wanted all along.
Maybe more than these shoes.
And this iPad.
I want to feel connected, seen, known, valued for who I am.
Alive.
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