I am not feeling the gratitude or the holiday cheer.
With finances looking funky, a new seep in the basement during yet another Nor'easter, kids haggling over who will sleep on the couch and why, an unset coconut cream pie and awareness that food does not bring joy, my head is spinning with a bit of sadness.
I am not sharing all of this at the front end of a post that will look rosy and bright at the other end. I am sharing because confession is good for the soul and I need accountability partners through this season.
The holidays have a history for me of bringing out my material worst. It's not that I am a big gift-giver...I feel woefully inadequate at that. I am guilty of feeling trapped by the expectations of society--I feel like my efforts to give or entertain will be judged inadequate, and I desperately want to please. On the other side, I an cranky and critical about other's efforts. I try not to be constantly sizing up the other. I try not to see the downside...I try.
So I am headed into advent with trepidation. I feel like light won't show up unless I really work on my heart. I am due for an abrupt in-dwelling...one of those where my heart of stone is replaced by a heart of flesh...or like the Grinch's heart growing three sizes that day.
Please? My prayer is for softening. For unclenching. For unconditional love. Please?